It is so hard to have aspirations when you still feel hurt over your mistakes and failures. It feels like someone has died when yoou have failed something. Each day you wake up and you begin to do what you do. The moment you have a thought about the future, about that afternoon or the next five years, your heart breaks as you remember what you have done.

Slept in today. Wasted time and wasted dreams. I dreamt of zombies. Not nightmares, or at least the traditional kind. The thing that tru;y scares me about zombies is that anxiety they bring, easy to deal with but requiring constant vigilance. So exhausting. I should just let myself get eaten and stop trying to secure the perimeter.

Rainy, shit weather. Weather so bad you can't find solace inside or out. Time-wasting weather where you play video games you do not really enjoy, where you hang around your family but you do not do anything intimate with each other.

Horribly upset at work. Angry at bosses who have fucked me around all week. so hurt and upset if anybody had spoken to me i would have cracked up. Walked around with an inane smile on myself for the customers. And then, after talking, i felt better. I felt good. I walked out of work with a smile on my face and my problems feeling negligible.

Unable to live or die

Every day people perform herculean tasks, everyday they invest and put effort into life and with just as much vigour people end their lives. With conviction, resolute and without thinking, they commit to their decisions. They decide to live or they decide to die.

Why can I not make the same commitment? Am I a coward, unable or too scared to decide? I flounder pathetically and painfully between life and death. I never desire either without longing desperately for another. I am stuck in limbo I am a fish out of water, jerking and drowning. But I can't seem to drown even though I can't breath. And, try as I might, I can't get back to the water.